Bright Futures pays out pennies… literally


The Florida Department of Education has announced a bold new measure, replacing the Bright Futures Scholarship Program with the Fading Lightbulb Program. “Like a fading lightbulb,” Education Department spokesman Moore Muney said, “this effort reflects the Florida education system’s last-ditch attempt to illuminate, despite knowing all attempts will be futile in the end. This exercise in meaninglessness is further proof that we live in a cruel universe that doesn’t care about us puny humans.” The maximum payout of this program will be 5 cents for 1,000 hours of community service, with additional options being: 3 cents for 950 hours, 1 cent for 930 hours, and one half of a cent for 925 hours. According to State Representative Bud Gitcuts, these changes are necessary. “You see,” Gitcuts explained, “the ‘Not-Education Fund’ isn’t filled to the brim with moolah. This is a situation we cannot allow to continue. We had to redirect Bright Futures money to things like my son’s birthday party next week, and the House Speaker’s cousin’s honeymoon to Tahiti, and other things that are more practical than educating our youth to be productive citizens. Simple as that.”
Ima Hyper, 11th grade, said “I CAN DO IT! 1,000 HOURS IS NOTHING AS LONG AS I HAVE MY BEST FRIEND, MR. COFFEE! I CAN DO IT! I CAN DO IT! AAAAHHH!” Richie Moneybags, 12th grade, commented “I have no reason to worry. My father has already promised to use his company’s money to pay my way all the way to Harvard. Harvard, I tell you! I don’t care about the concerns of the plebs.”

The Warrior Record also spoke to former Bright Futures administrator I.M. Poor, who said “This is not surprising. Back when I worked with Bright Futures, I didn’t have enough money to pay the rent! I had to get financial assistance when I was at a job that gave out financial assistance! That’s irony, right there!” Finally, Professor O. Verworked at the University of South Florida opined “This change is long overdue. Instead of grading a million and one tests, I’ll only have to grade 999,998 tests once these reforms are put in place. After all, less money, equals less students, equals less tests to grade, equals less work! It’s great!”
The changes will be implemented at the start of the 2015-2016 school year, with the program being administered by a former drill sergeant from the US Marine Corps, Sergeant Bob Bonecrusher. Fading Lightbulb Program Chairman-elect Bonecrusher released a statement, saying “These maggots will be worked like dogs, and that’s the way I like it! If anyone has a problem with my management style or policies, I will gladly refer them to my fist.”