Parking trouble leads to desperate measures


Drew Jackson

This is only the beginning.

Jason Zappulla, Writer


In a stunning announcement, Osceola administration has announced that the school will be torn down to make way for new student parking. At a press conference earlier today, Head Administrator Count Erpro Ductive said that with more and more students requesting to park, destruction of all of Osceola is necessary to accommodate as many students as possible.

“This was not an easy decision,” Count Ductive said, “but I think this move is necessary for the convenience of the majority of students. I mean, who needs the indoors anyway?”
Questions quickly arose over the reasoning behind this decision. “The school was in deteriorating condition, anyway,” Mr. Ductive said. “Chipping paint, malfunctioning bathrooms, desks and tables that wobble. It was practically unusable, so tearing it down and making it into a parking lot would put be putting the land into good use at long last.” When asked where classes would be held once the school was gone, Ductive nervously replied, “Well… uh… you see, uh… we actually have a very good plan for that. It’s so elaborate and grand, that we cannot reveal it. It’s not like we haven’t thought it through, no siree!” When further questioned by local reporters why his ‘plan’ couldn’t be revealed, Principal Ductive hastily looked at his wrist and announced that the press conference was over, as he had “left the iron on at home.”
Reaction to this decision has been mixed. Some students, such as Soph Moore, are excited about the new parking. “Finally!” Soph exclaimed. “I’ve been trying to get a parking spot for ages! I’m currently 5,423,187th on the waiting list!” Others, such as June Ior, were more skeptical. “This is gonna mean more traffic and more hassle,” June said. “With so many people searching for their spot in the morning, I won’t be able to get into my own spot until the late afternoon. This is supposed to be parking lot, not the interstate at rush hour!” Algebra teacher Mr. Smarty also offered an analysis of the situation, explaining “the Rule of Limited Parking states that, when x equals the number of cars in the lot, a equals the number of spots available, y equals the amount of clouds in the sky, b equals how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood…” We are unable to provide Mr. Smarty’s full quote, as our reporter fell asleep of boredom shortly thereafter. Finally, Professor of Parking Lot Studies Ford Carville at USF praised the decision, saying “Count Ductive is a true visionary. Parking lots are making all other things obsolete. Schools are just the beginning. Soon, the whole world will be a parking lot!” Carville concluded with a maniacal laugh as lightning flashed behind him.
Students should enjoy the Osceola building while they can, because demolition begins in 5 seconds. “This can’t wait!” Count Ductive said in a recent press release.

“The future is coming! The time is now! Make way for the vehicle parade!””

— Count Ductive