SATIRE

This past week, Harvard University has experienced an outbreak of mumps among its student population, and scientists claim it will only get worse. More than 40 people are confirmed to have caught the disease, and that number will continue to grow. In addition, the CDC has noticed a mutation in the strand of mumps passed around the Ivy League school’s campus, allowing those protected by the vaccine to become vulnerable.
“The strands we tested have curiously mutated into weird-looking shapes compared to what we are used to seeing from the mumps virus,” says CDC spokesperson Dr. Sci Ence. “I mean, it usually looks like a distorted circle or oval shape, but the ones we are seeing from the students appear to be crescent moons. It is harmless to the victim’s health, however it may affect classroom performance.”
This unusual mutation has also caused some equally unusual symptoms in the infected students, such as bloodshot eyes, loud moaning, an increased urge to sleep, and a decreased urge to do any work or reasoning, along with many others at varying degrees.
“Some students act like this on a regular basis, actually, what with the late night studying and grueling academics,” says Harvard professor S. Marty. “However, there does seem to be more students acting like ‘zombies’, I guess, but the reason could also be just because exams are coming up. Those books don’t study themselves!”
“This is ridiculous!” says Harvard student Commy Plainer. “I can’t get any work done in my dorm because my roommate who was infected with the virus moans so loud! I can’t focus with her annoying groaning all the time! She even does it in her sleep, so I can’t sleep either! I might as well have caught the virus too because I feel like a zombie from my lack of sleep! Ugh!”
The peculiar mumps mutation is being compared to the well-known disease senioritis, which was discovered in the mid-1920s and named after its most common victims, high school seniors. Just like the mutant mumps, it has been seen in varying victims enrolled in middle school, high school, and college with similar symptoms.
The outbreak, however, has been surrounded by much controversy and debate over how it started. Many people believe that biomedical students at Yale University created this harmless but effective strand of mumps to get revenge for their loss against Harvard during the 2015 football season. Others believe that computer science students from Yale also hacked into the SnapChat system and created a filter to make the person taking the picture look like he or she has symptoms of this strange disease. Nothing has been confirmed, but many people have commented on the rising tensions between the two Ivy League schools located just miles apart.
“There has always been a strong rivalry between Harvard and Yale, but it’s getting a little heated considering it’s just a petty fight over who’s better,” says a Yale alumnus Ihada Crimson. “There’s been many pranks throughout the years, like setting the AC system to never turn on again, changing every grade in the database to Fs, and hacking the school website to say ‘I love Crimson!’ or ‘Go Bulldogs!’ We have a strange relationship, but messing around with viruses may be what pushes it over the edge.”
In related news, President Obama’s daughter Malia has chosen to attend Harvard University, but not until 2017, leaving a gap year between her senior year of high school and freshman year of college. The initial announcement from the Obama family claims that she is waiting until her father leaves office to attend college, but Malia retracted the statement the next day, confessing the real reason behind her yearlong wait.
“We heard about the mumps outbreak and how it is affecting the students there,” says Malia Obama. “Neither my family nor I wanted me to catch this new disease so as not to ruin my academic record and performance. I am known for being hardworking and diligent in my schoolwork, and we all agreed that waiting until the outbreak dies out will be the best move for me and my schoolwork, because seriously, how am I supposed to get work done if I’m groaning and sleeping all the time?”