2017 Solar Eclipse, WSHS says ‘Whaaattt??’


Justine Zitman

There is a solar eclipse happening in the summer of 2017.

Margaret Hynes, Staff Writer

     “Yeah, it’s legit, man,” says Tony Tuscanini, a Charleston citizen. “I’m chill. Chilled out. WooHoo.”

       According to WSHS, also known as the Weird Stuff Happening in Space Corporation, the solar eclipse that was expected to blackout Charleston and Nashville next summer will actually be blacking out the entire nation.

          “I mean, whatever, man. I’m chill about the whole thang, ya’know,” retorts Tuscanini.

          Other people, however, are not so chill.

          “Well, crap. This is just crappy. Holy crap,” says Sally Sue, a Texas citizen.

          According to WSHS, this doesn’t seem to be possible.

          “But it’s happening, bro. Us kids here at WSHS don’t know how in the heck to explain it, but ya’ll better get to gettin’ ready for one crazy ride next summer. I mean, that’s what we scientists here are all tryin’ to tell ya’ll,” says leading WSHS scientist, Larry Largobins.

          A solar eclipse, better known to Larry Largobins as a “weirdo bead,” is when a new moon comes in-between the earth and the sun, creating a sort of blackout.

          “The weirdo bead is a’comin. And we’re all gonna’ feel the wrath of the weirdo bead,” explains respected scientist Harpo LongJohnSilver, a renowned researcher within Larry Largobins’ inquiry group at WSHS. “The nation better prepare. Ya’ll better tell the nation. USA! USA! USA! YEAHHH!!!”

          The 2017 summer solar eclipse is most definitely “a’comin,” and according to WSHS, the entire nation needs to pack their bags and move to Canada.

          “I don’t know, they seem nice and all,” says Larry Largobins, who suggested the move.

This is a satire based on the following article: http://www.cnn.com/2016/12/30/us/17-things-to-watch-for-in-2017-trnd/