Save Us, Eradicate Everything Else


Leo saves the planet one jet plane at a time!

Margaret Hynes, Staff Writer


       “Yes, we’re currently working on saving the endangered vaquita porpoise, a native species to Mexico’s Gulf of California. In order to save this beautiful creature, I’ll be placing 11 tons of carbon fuel into the Gulf of California,” says renowned one-time Oscar winner Leonardo DiCarbrio.

          Leonardo DiCarbrio puts in about two hours a week to help in his expansive efforts to educate the world about climate change and its detrimental effects on wildlife. He’s pretty adamant about the whole thing.

          “I took an 8,000 mile trip in my private jet, which emits about ten times more carbon that that of a commercial airplane, to receive an environmental award for my efforts. Pretty ironic, huh?” comments Leo. “I say commitment takes you far. That’s why I only have one Oscar.”

          Leo has been around the globe helping save the world from human pollution.

          “You know, when a legislator expounds upon principles, and ethics, and elementary morality, and then is found guilty of stealing money from the ‘little people’, there is pandemonium. Of course, this doesn’t apply to me. I just preach about saving the planet and then I trash it. It’s basic common sense,” explains Leo. “Reducing carbon emissions is imperative. So everyone else but me should do it.”

          DiCarbrio has done a lot. He made the Leonardo DiCarbrio Foundation to defend wild landscapes, has contributed to the World Wildlife Fund, has partnered with intercontinental funders for marine wellbeing, and has visited SOS Children’s Villages for humanitarian reasons. But just take Leo’s word for it.

          “Oh My Gosh! I just love the planet! That’s why I spend all my time traveling in private jets that contribute incredibly to the consumption of fossil fuels, which, I admit, is killing the planet, when I could just be a non-hypocrite and travel like the eco-friendly guy I say I am,” says Leo. “Oh, yeah. It’s great.”

This is a satire based on the following article: